Summary: A slightly dimwitted boy is accidentally sent on a journey through time and space and has to be rescued by his grandmother, who just happens to be a witch.
Dice: Voyages and Prehistoric
Gold Star: TheBlueTurtle, for the fight at the end and the witch’s backstory, which he just pulled out of thin air
We will start with a 12 dice game, so the same player doesn’t have to start and finish the story. TheGoldenDragon has elected to go first.
1. Bubbling Cauldron: There was an old witch, and one day she was messing with her cauldron. She was doing something, she had a plan, then suddenly she heard someone knocking at the front door. So she went to answer it.
Well, her really foolish grandson was staying with her at the time. He also heard the door knock, but his path took him through the kitchen where the witch had left her cauldron. And he thought, That’s just really not safe leaving all of these unstopped vials open next to this cauldron. I’d just better clean up after her.
So he picked up all the vials and threw them into the cauldron. It started to bubble really fast and different colored bubbles started rising out of it.
2. Porridge: It started putting off an unexpected aroma. It smelled pretty good. It smelled edible. So he decided that he was going to sit down and try some. The first time he tried it, he put it into a bowl and it was just too hot. So he thought, Um, I’ll go drink some water. Maybe it’ll cool off.
He goes and gets a drink of water, comes back, and says, “Oh, that’s just too cold!”
And then he goes and gets another drink of water. By the time he’s come back the stuff in the cauldron has cooled down by itself and he’s like, “That is sooo right! Just right! It’s so good!”
He’s sitting there munching, completely obvious to the altercation in the other room.
GD: Can he hear her?
BT: I guess not.
The altercation at the front door that was happening between his grandmother and…her visitor. But it was just so good. Maybe something in there was warping his mind, making him oblivious to his surroundings.
3. Pterodactyl: The visitor was old Mister Grumpyfuss…just fussing at her like he always did. “Is my potion ready yet? Well is it ready yet? Is it ready?”
Every day he would come knocking on her door. The problem was that what she was working with was a very very complicated potion. No one had ever tried to make before. It needed very specific ingredients.
She told him, “You can come in and watch me. I have one more ingredient to put in, and it is going to tell you where you’re going.”
And he went, “Shhhhh, don’t speak so loudly! I don’t want anyone to know what’s going on…what this is for! It’s very secret!”
She said, “Okay, well come in. I’ve got to put in one more ingredient.”
So she led Mister Grumpyfuss…
BT: Is that based off of me?
GD: It’s based off of who? No!
…to the kitchen where her grandson was eating his porridge.
BT: He was eating what was in the cauldron…maybe she doesn’t know what he’s done yet?
She saw immediately that something was wrong. And she rushed in and said, “Wait! Ned! Ned, how much have you eaten?”
“Only one bowl, Grandma.”
“No! Oh, no! Wait, okay, I didn’t add the last ingredient.”
“Yeah, I saw you left some vials open. Don’t worry, I cleaned up for you! It’s tasting pretty good. Do you want some?”
“You added what?!”
*DunDunDun*…And just at that moment, when Mister Grumpyfuss is just staring in the doorway and the grandma is running around trying to figure out what to do, Ned disappears. His eyes are open one moment. He sees his grandma running around. His eyes close. The next moment they pop open and he sees…a pterodactyl.
BT: Grrr, I was going to use the gun, and then you made him all warped.
GD: That’s right I should make some kind of Star Trek sound…*I attempt a Star Trek sound, or a slow motion chu chu train*…and then he opens his eyes…
4. Laser Gun: So he sees a pterodactyl and he screams, because, you know, it’s right there in his face. So he doesn’t know what to do. He freezes.
The pterodactyl is approaching, kinda in a pterodactyl manner–
BT: No, no, it’s on the ground
Wobbling *pantomimes wobbling and makes a wobbling sound*, because it’s probably not used to being on the ground. And it comes up and stars peering at him, kinda like a hawk does. It has these piercing eyes. He’s just thinking, Oh, it looks like some of those cave creatures. They’re tasty.
So, meanwhile, Ned’s starting to limber up a little. He realizes he needs to do something, either run or, you know, get eaten, probably. His first instinct was, I’m going to pull out my ray gun and see if I can take care of this thing!
The ray gun is pretty powerful, but it is a pterodactyl. It has thick skin…so he singed the pterodactyl. It shrieked and it flew off. It was wounded. It had a smoking hole in one of its wings. It wasn’t flying very well, but it was getting away.
Ned felt that it wasn’t quite a victory and the pterodactyl would be back.
BT: He has a nemesis!
GD: For now…
5. Waves: So…Ned realizes that he needs to find shelter to avoid the pterodactyl when it comes back. He starts running, running, running, and he sees this cave. There’s smoke coming out of it. He’s like, “Oh, civilization!”
Because, remember, Ned is a little slow. He’s like, Maybe they know where the nearest train station is or a plane or like maybe a phone so that I can call Grandma and tell her about that weird creature thing.
So he runs toward the cave, he goes inside, and he sees a group of men. He thinks, I hope they speak English. They look a little strange.
But, you know, he’s not one to judge by appearances. He walks into the cave, extends his hand, and he’s like, “Hi, my name is Ned. I’m trying to find my grandmother. She looks kind of—“
And then one of the men stands up from the campfire and grabs his big club and he’s like, “Uuugggh!”
“No, no, I think there’s a misunderstanding.” He’s going for his ray gun…and accidentally drops it on the floor and thinks, Oh no. What am I going to do?
So he starts running out of the cave, and just at that moment, he feels kinda light headed. Hmm, that’s kind of odd, because he remembers feeling that way one other time this day. And he closes his eyes and opens them and, suddenly, he’s underwater.
BT: *Exasperated sign*
GD: What? He’s time traveling.
BT: Actually, he could have just location traveled.
GD: That’s true. He could still be in the prehistoric era.
BT: And the pterodactyl could still be out there. This is going to be a monster of the week story.
6. Crab: So he obviously can’t breathe underwater…or at least, so he thinks. You know, because he can’t breathe underwater, but he can. He doesn’t know how he’s doing it.
But then he remembers: the potion! By the way granny was acting, it must not have been porridge.
So he’s like, I guess I can breathe underwater.
The problem is, he’s a little on the chubby side. He can’t, like, stay under the water. He’s trying, because he wants to explore. I mean, he’s underwater! But he’s fighting, you know, his blubber.
He struggles and he’s able to stay along the bottom, but he’s getting tired. He doesn’t know that he can breathe above water, but he gets to a shallow area. There’s some sand at the bottom. He’s swimming along and he doesn’t notice the giant prehistoric crab that has camouflaged itself in the seabed.
As Ned swims past and keeps goes, the crab starts to shamble after him slowwwwly. Ned’s oblivious to this. He’s been swimming slower, because he’s having to work hard to stay under the water. He doesn’t want to go to the surface. It’s just so cool.
Meanwhile, the crab is getting closer and closer and closer…almost close enough to nip the foot… *nips at GoldenDragon’s foot and gets a polite squeak*
But not quite. It bids it’s time. It can see that Ned is trying out, so it waits. It’s in no particular hurry, you know, since it’s already eaten a little bit that day. It’s not like hungry hungry, but it thinks, Well, I’m not going to pass on this. I don’t know if I’ll find anything later.
Ned is just swimming along, oblivious to the danger.
7. Backpack: Well…Ned is starting to get a little hungry himself and he thinks about his gun…Why did I have that gun on me? It’s because granny packed this bag for me and said to always keep it with me.
It had a gun and some dried food in it and a card with some contact information in case he got lost, which I guess, you know, he could have given to those cave people…but they didn’t seem that friendly.
Maybe I’ll just check the pack. I’m so hungry! It’s dehydrated, so maybe the water has made it better.
So he goes in there and he—
BT: While he’s swimming?
GD: No, he stopped swimming to look into his pack.
BT: Do you know how close the crab was?
GD: Yes, I do.
So he stops, opens his pack, and he pulls out—
BT: A crab cake?
GD: I don’t know. What would a crab like?
BT: Beef jerky.
And, um, all of the sudden he feels something grab his leg. He’s like “No! No!” and he drops the jerky.
Thankfully, the crab flings his head around and thinks, You know, actually, that looks kind of better. He lets Ned go.
Ned is able to safely swim away with his pack intact, and now he’s knows what’s in there. But, of course, he’s still hungry. Maybe that’s why he feels lightheaded.
Or maybe it’s something else…
BT: Wait, the crab didn’t snip his leg off?
GD: No, it wanted to grab him and pull him in so that he could eat him with his mouth.
BT: Haha, oh okay…
8. Dragonfly: Eventually, he swims along and he was already in the shallows because of the crab, so he knows that he can handle the pressure. Just because he can breathe underwater, doesn’t mean he can handle the pressure.
So, he comes up in this swamp-ish, estuary kind of area and he sees these odd flying critters. He’s never seen anything like them before. They seem to be just hovering without trying. But then he sees one land and it had four wings. He thinks, Four wings-that’s so weird.
Unfortunately for him, these dragonflies, or these strange insects, have acquired the taste for human blood…somehow. They’re carnivorous dragonflies.
One lands on him and kind of nips at him. He’s like, “Ow!”
GD: He knows what’s going on?
BT: No…I don’t know…
GD: Well remember, he’s a little slow.
BT: You’re right.
He was like: “Ow, that thang bit me! I gotta get out of here! So I just ran!” *Forrest Gump accent, apparently*
So he runs. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t know where to go. He realizes there’s a more clear concentration where he is, so he should be running away. He runs into the swamp until, finally, he gets to the end of it.
He’s trying to nurse his wounds, but there’s still a few straggler dragonflies still after him. He figures if he goes far enough, he’ll be able to get away from them.
9. Tent: Ned’s wounded, so of course he’s light headed, right?
And of course he’s hungry, so of course he’s light headed, right?
Or is he?
*Star Trek sound*
As he sees a dragonfly coming straight for him. Two inches…one inch away from him. It’s going to get him!
All of a sudden, he blinks and finds himself outside of a large tent. He looks around and says, “Ah, Thank goodness! Maybe this place has some kind of food or something. At least there’s none of those weird creatures!”
He sees a person…actually there’s a lot of people around, and they actually look like people. He’s like, “Cool! They’re not those weird guys with clubs!…Although they are kind of shiny.”
So he walks up to one of those guys and says, “Um, hi, I’m hungry and I’m looking for my granny. She kind of looks like–“
And this other guy brushes his long hair out of his face, puts his hand on his side near his shiny pointy thing and says, “You, squire, what be thy title?”
“Um, my what?”
“Yes, what knight do you belong to? For this tent, you see, is the jousting tenting and you are not a knight. And you are too dirty to be a mere commoner. Who do you serve?”
GD: I told you it was time travel.
BT: Not…not necessarily.
GD: So he was just in a place were humans didn’t exist and animals ruled the world?
BT: No, that was still prehistoric times. He didn’t time travel. You didn’t say he had to.
GD: Oh…I know what’s happening. I’m not going to tell you though.
BT: Okay…well…I still don’t know what this one is. *Holds up next dice*
GD: Try turning it upside down. Does it look any different?
BT: It does look like a little bit like an eye in the middle of a bush.
GD: Stealth mode…go with it.
10. Stealth Mode: So he still doesn’t know what to say, but…this area is a little familiar to him, because he…
BT: Oh, I know, he started here. He didn’t time travel here.
GD: Um…yes he did.
So he thinks this area seems kind of familiar. He recognizes these people as knights, because this guy’s wearing the armor and he’s familiar with that. His granny lives at the edge of this area. She’s a witch, so, she’s not, you know, considered clean.
GD: So Ned just decided to call him “shiny dude?” *arguing back and forth*
BT: Well, he is a little slow.
GD: There you go. That’s the the correct answer to everything: he’s a little slow. We can really do anything here.
So, he’s like, “Wait, he’s a knight.” He recognized the word “knight” and he thinks, I’ve heard tell of knights. I’ve never seen one.
And…I guess he’s in an area where he’s not supposed to be…
He says, “Y’all are knights? I’ve never seen a knight!”
By this time, the knight realizes he’s kind of simple and treats him like he’s dirty. “Get away from me you foul, cursed creature!” He tells Ned to go away or he’ll be smited. “Leave here or I shall smiteth you!”
Ned still doesn’t know where he is, just that it’s familiar to him – the culture, the buildings, and everything…he sees in the distance. And he decides it’d be best to leave.
He runs in fear of the knight and hides some place, peering out at the passerby and wondering what to do next.
GD: *picks up the next dice*
BT: The Sheriff of Nottingham!
11. Sheriff Badge: When he sees a man ride by on a four-legged beast his nanny had told him was a horse but which he’d never gotten to touch, he was so excited that he forgot he was hiding. He runs out and he’s like, “Oooh, pretty horsey. Can I pet the horsey?”
The guy on top is really spick and span and he has this little badge on his chest. He looks pretty important. He, I guess, recognizes right away that Ned isn’t really…
GD: What’s the medieval term?
BT: Not really all there?
BT: Okay, say it in Old English.
*English accent* He’s a jester.
But the man decides to take more pity on him, because…he can. So he jumps down and he says, “Well hello, good sir, are you here to see the joust? Where is thy mother and thy father?”
And Ned says, “Right.” And he reaches into his pack, pulls out his identification card, and says, “My name is Ned. I’m looking for my granny. She kind of looks like…an old woman.”
Now that he’s gotten to finish his sentence, it’s not that helpful.
The sheriff takes one look at the card and says, “Ah yes, I’ve…I’ve heard of the Lady Greenthumb. You said you were her…stable boy?”
“I’m her grandson.”
“Ah, well then I’m afraid, son, I’m going to have to take you into custody.”
“You mean I get to ride the pretty horsey?”
“Yes, come jump on the pretty horsey.”
So the sheriff of that land, who may or may not have worn a badge depending on the time period, finally, after thirty minutes, got Ned up on the horse correctly and rode off to his castle.
GD: *Dramatic drum roll* Alright, one more dice! Gotta finish the story! Gotta get Ned-y home! Or, you know, not…depending on the story. I’m actually quite fond of Ned now.
12. Frightened or Confused Expression: The sheriff takes him to the castle and he’s like, “Oh, castle! This is so cool! I’ve only heard of these!”
And the other guys says, “Yes, yes, it’s a castle. And of course, young boy, because of…I don’t know what…we have to lock you up, because your your grandmother’s. You’re just going to have to stay here for awhile.”
He puts Ned…not, you know, in a dungeon…but in a little bit nicer place, like a dark guard house or something, and he sends word to the grandmother that they have her grandson.
The note said: We have your grandson. If you don’t turn yourself in for the atrocities committed three years ago, then…*shrugs*
After a while, Ned realizes that something isn’t quite right. He gets kind of sad and pouty. He says, “Why can’t I leave? I just want my granny!”
So anyway, Granny gets the word and she makes a big batch of some of her most powerful potions and suits up into her leather armor and–
GD: She’s a granny!
BT: She’s a young granny. She’s like in her fifties.
GD: Didn’t see that coming…leather armor. So Ned’s description of her was so off!
BT: Well, to him she looks old. You know, since people got pregnant young then and died young. Fifty would be pretty old…
So she conjures a horse, the fiercest horse that’s ever been seen. It stands twenty hands tall (Long pause while we look up info to see if twenty hands would be an accurate measurement–We decided that twenty hands (about 8 feet?) would be a pretty big, but realistically sized, horse.) Anyway, it’s a black horse, with steam coming out of its nostrils, and glowing reading eyes.
It‘s her demon horse. She did something wrong; she’s gotta be powerful. Since then, she’s come into custody of her grandson and she’s decided to end her evil ways. But once they have her grandson, she lets loose.
So she gets on this horse and rides off cackling: “They shall pay!”
She’s saying in her head, I tried to change my ways, but these people won’t let the past be the past!
She rides off and goes to the castle and unleashes hell onto the walls.
GD: Wow, hell itself?
BT: Hell hath no fury like a grandmother who’s…grandson has been captured. Haha, maybe that was too much.
GD: No, no, that’s good!
She unleashes the fires of…
As she approaches the castle she starts this mantra of sorts…gathering energy and whatnot, and she throws a shout of such force at the wall that it’s almost…backed by… the powers of hell. She blasts a hole in the wall. The blast is so hot that the moat evaporates.
And she walks into the courtyard and she’s like, “Where’s my grandson?!” She shouted in a booming voice for all to hear. They don’t know what’s happening.
As she came into the courtyard, she was surrounded by flames. She let the flames die down so that they could see who she was.
The sheriff is watching through a window, rallying his troops for an attack. She’s in a courtyard. Why would she come in there? She’s surrounded.
He shouts through the window, “You will pay for what you did to my father three years ago, and all the other people that you killed!”
She remembers well that day, because something had gone completely wrong. She hadn’t intended to hurt so many people. She shouts, “I told you before, that was not my intent! It was an accident!”
“Lies! You shall pay, witch!”
And she says, in a cockney accent, “Very well. You shall all die.” (This was the best accent used so far.) “But give me my grandson and I will leave peacefully.”
The sheriff says in response, “It matters not.”
He sends his troops in. When they approach, they make to capture her, but, immediately, she releases a blast of fire that cooks them all. However, that was not all the troops he had. He was sending in cannon fodder. He wanted to see what she could do.
The next thing he tries is archers. She sees the archers above them and hears them, so she holds up her shield above her head and a magic, glowing aura descends from it, encasing her.
But it wasn’t quite quick enough.
One arrow got through and hit her in the leg. It went through right at the last second. It found a chink in her armour, because it was light armour. She is a magic user so she doesn’t have heavy armour. She needs to move around. It finds one little chink and gets her in the leg.
So she survived this, but came out wounded, and her shield faltered a little because of the pain. In response, she holds out her hand in response and shoots a ball of energy from her fingertips that seeks the archers. It shoots out and gets them all. It takes one guy’s head clean off. One guy is knocked off the parapet and falls to his death on the other side…because the moat is gone, so he just fell right down and he’s gone.
That was the last of the forces, except for the elite guard. The sheriff kept them around him at all times. So he called forth the royal guard, the most elite of all his fighters.
The witch was also armed with a small battle ax.
He tells the troops, “Finish her off. Be done with it.” He should have done that first. No one has ever stopped them.
So they come for her and they’re not taking prisoners…they’re out to kill. As they’re approaching, she holds out her ax and spouts energy from it. The first one comes up and kind of dodges the first hit, but she goes like this–(as he demonstrates) she goes across and then brings it back–and gets him with the energy that’s surrounding the blade.
Many other people tried similar attacks, but in the end, it was just her and the sheriff. She says, “Now are you willing to listen to my side of the story?
“That day three years ago was horrible for me, too. My husband died in that blast. I was just trying to make a simple invisibility potion and something just happened and it turned out completely wrong and blasted this whole half of the kingdom.”
And he says, “Still, your carelessness has led to this.”
BT: I don’t know? Should she kill him or should she not? I’m not any good at telling fight stories…you know, where they’re evenly matched.
GD: Um, I beg to differ. You’ve done amazingly well! But you are a D&D wizard, so that makes sense.
BT: Thanks…that’s not really helpful…
He says, “Very well, I cannot best you. You can have your grandson. I will not make a tragedy into a massacre.”
He points in the direction of where Ned’s been hidden. She looks and Ned’s been watching this whole thing.
GD: But can he hear?
BT: He can see. He saw the bloodshed. He saw the destruction that she was capable of.
GD: He cries, “Granny! No, no Granny! Why?”
BT: No, no…
She comes to him. He’s shivering and scared.
Apparently his view has been somewhat skewed during this entire exchange. When she comes up, he says to her, “Did you see that scary battle?”
She says, “I did that for you, my grandson. They were…
BT: Well, I don’t want him to be scared of her.
GD: Forgetful potion!
BT: What, like a Men in Black laser?
GD: Yeah! She created a laser gun, she could do that…Wait, I’m not supposed to be helping you!
“I did that for you, my grandson. I did that to save you. They were trying to use you against me and I won. They pushed me.”
“But…but you were scary. I thought you were just an old lady. What are you?”
“Somebody who caused an accident years ago that will never be forgiven by the survivors.”
GD: Cue the credits! That was spine tingling.
So yeah they leave and the sheriff is just kind of standing there.
GD: Just standing there?
BT: Yep, he has lost his honor.
GD: And if I may…
BT: But I just ended it…Fine, go ahead.
Ned turns around as they start to leave and says, “Bye bye, mister. Thanks for letting me ride your horsey!”
BT: Haha. Why?
GD: You know, I never said how old he was. Perhaps he’s rather advanced for his age…
*This story took over an hour to think up, but it kept us talking for an entire weekend. This was a perfect story building exercise.
Get ready for Round 2 next week! Let me know if you think I made the right call on who received the gold star and why.